


falling out of reality

by wingedtardis



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bonding, Bones is a huge mom, Drugs (but not like drug usage ya feel?), Fake/Pretend Relationship, Five Year Mission, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, I'll be adding more tags as this goes along, Kinda slow beginning, M/M, Mind Control, Mind Meld, Mutual Pining, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Questioning Reality, like it's not a huge part of this tho so don't get too excited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-11 00:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12311325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedtardis/pseuds/wingedtardis
Summary: Nearing the end of the five year mission, Jim struggles with feelings of loneliness and indirection. On top of that, he begins to suffer hallucinations following a simple visit to a planet inhabited by a pre-warp civilization that worships strange gods. His entire crew thinks that he's going insane -- except for Spock, who will do anything to try and fix what's happening to him. Will he succeed, or will Jim's hallucinations be the downfall of them both?





	1. independent of time and space

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first trek fic, we'll see how it goes. preferably i want it to be a nice, long work that makes all of you suffer from ~feelings~ but we'll see how that goes
> 
> chapter titles are from "hallucination" by sequoia c
> 
> feel free to talk to me!

Jim’s tired. _Extremely_ tired. Tired of Starfleet, tired of nearly dying every couple days, tired of not knowing where he’s going or what he’s doing.

He’s especially tired of being alone.

Jim has been alone his whole life. Sure, he had his mom for a small portion of his childhood, but did he really ever have her? Her mind was always somewhere else, thinking of the next thing she could do off-planet instead of being with her sons. He had Sam for a while, until he decided to run off the second he turned 18 and left Jim with Frank. And, yeah, Frank did raise him, but he always made Jim feel like he was separated from everyone else – from Sam, from his mom, from anyone he could get close to.

After Jim finally turned 18 and left home, he slept around a whole lot, never really settling down with anyone anywhere. He had a genius-level IQ and could have done anything that he wanted to, but he preferred going to bars and drowning what potential he had in booze.

Jim sometimes thinks about what his life might have been like if he hadn’t been in that bar in Riverside that night – the night that Pike basically blackmailed him into joining Starfleet. Where would he be now? Definitely not nearing the end of his five-year mission, having died once and nearly-dying too many times to count. Spock likes to tell him that he’s nearly died 347 times during the mission, but that seems too low to him.

Ha. Too _low_. Nearly losing his life 347 times is too low for Jim Kirk, daredevil-extraordinaire.

He knows that he should be thanking Pike for forcing him into Starfleet (if he were still alive, that is), but he can’t bring himself to do it. Being in Starfleet only worsens his feeling of alone-ness.

(Yes, he’s a genius, meaning he’s allowed to make up words, okay?)

There are 407 crewmembers aboard the _Enterprise,_ yet none of them do anything to abate Jim’s feelings of loneliness. Bones tries, Jim knows he tries, but Bones can’t give him anything more than the friendship that they have. Jim can go to Bones for anything, talk to him about anything, but that doesn’t make him feel any less _alone_.

Jim has friends aboard the _Enterprise_ ; there’s Uhura and Scotty and Sulu and Chekov and Spock and countless other crewmembers that he enjoys spending time with. But none of his friends help stop this feeling from devouring Jim whole.

God, he really needs to stop thinking about this. It’s bound to happen after two weeks of star-mapping in space with nothing exciting happening. Nothing to add another near-death experience to those 347 others. Their last mission wasn’t even interesting, just a simple observe-and-go of a pre-warp civilization on Beta Phi IV that worships some weird-ass gods by taking a shit ton of drugs. He doesn’t even have any mind-numbing reports to keep himself busy. Just Jim, his quarters, and the empty void of space surrounding the ship that makes him feel like he’s suffocating and –

The ship suddenly shakes with such a vehemence that Jim nearly falls out of his bed. Well, at least that’s something to distract him for the time being. Jim regains his balance and immediately comms the bridge.

“Kirk to bridge. What the hell just happened?”

“What do you mean, captain?” comes Uhura’s reply.

“I’m sorry, did you not just feel the entire ship shake? It felt like we were being attacked by something,” Jim says incredulously. She had to be joking. How did she not feel that?

“Captain, are you sure you’re alright? I know that you’ve been a little antsy the past week because we haven’t had any assignments, but I’ve never known you to make up something like this before.”

That was odd. “You know what? Maybe you’re right, maybe I am making things up because I’m bored. Kirk out.” Jim knew that arguing with her was pointless. Uhura would never lie to him, especially about something that could potentially harm the ship and her crew. Maybe he _was_ making it up and was just too tired or paranoid to notice. He did have to be up for alpha shift in three hours and hadn’t slept since the previous one, which meant that he hadn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours. While Jim had gone without sleep for much longer than that before, it was usually in situations where he was so pumped up on adrenaline that he didn’t notice that he was exhausted.

Yeah, that’s probably it. So Jim does something rational for one of the few times in his life and decides to get a few hours of sleep before his shift.

 

* * *

 

 

“Keptin on ze bridge!” announces Chekov as Jim steps out of the turbolift. He gives the ensign a slight nod as he sits down in the captain’s chair.

“How’s everything going, Sulu?” Jim asks the helmsman.

“Pretty good, sir,” replies Sulu. “Nothing out of the norm.”

Jim nods. “Thanks, Lieutenant.” He settles more comfortably in his chair and opens up his PADD, resigning himself to another boring, uneventful, eight hour shift.

 

* * *

 

 

Three hours into alpha, the bridge lights flash red and the alarms sound, causing Jim to immediately sit up from his slumped position in his chair. “Sulu, report!”

Sulu looks confused. “Uh, everything alright captain? You look a little spooked.”

“Well yeah, I’m ‘spooked’! The alarms are blaring, or do you not notice?” Jim angrily retorts. But as he looks around the bridge, he notices that not a single member of his crew seems to be panicking or trying to figure out what caused the alarms to go off. It reminds him of last night when the ship had seemingly been hit by something, but nothing had actually happened.

The alarms continue to blare.

The crew looks at their captain, worried by this sudden outburst. Spock gets up from his seat at the science station and walks over to Jim, coming to stand next to him. “Jim,” he inquires quietly, “are you quite alright?”

Even though Vulcans aren’t supposed to show any emotion, Jim’s known Spock long enough to be able to see the extreme worry in his eyes. He easily brushes it off. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just haven’t slept very well the past few days, that’s all. I think I fell asleep and dreamt the ship went into red alert.” He laughs and directs his next words to the entire bridge. “Sorry, everyone. Didn’t mean to freak you out. Back to work, eh?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Spock raise his eyebrow. He then lowers his voice so that only Jim can hear his next words: “After our shift is over I would like to speak to you in your cabin, if that is agreeable.”

Jim hesitantly nods. Great, he’d have to listen to Spock rant about Jim’s well-being and how, since he’s the first officer, Jim should tell him about everything that happens, _ever_. That’s exactly how he wants to spend his free time.

Spock returns to his station and the rest of the shift passes peacefully, if not a little tense after the scene Jim had caused.


	2. webs of light creep into reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, guys!! love you all :)

After their shift ends, Jim and Spock walk to Jim’s quarters together. It’s awkward – at least to Jim – because neither of them speak the entire time. Silence between the two of them isn’t usually this awkward; they’re so comfortable with each other that they don’t feel the need to speak all the time. However, Jim can feel the tension between the two of them right now, probably because of the lecture he’s about to get.

They finally reach the door to his quarters after what feels like an eternity. Jim steps forward to enter his code, but Spock is already doing so. The door slides open and the two of them enter, Spock stepping aside to let him enter first.

It’s a good thing that no one else but Jim knows that Spock has the code to his quarters memorized. Some of their crew already think that the two are in a relationship, and this little bit of information wouldn’t stem the flow of rumors about them. During particularly boring times on the ship – such as now – the crew likes to speculate about people’s relationships, and their captain and first officer aren’t excluded from this.

Hell, the fact that Spock knows his code looks suspicious, even to Jim. If he was a crew member, he would take that as a confirmation that they were together. The rumors had started after the whole Khan incident thanks to Scotty, who told anyone who would listen about how Spock had teared up as he watched Jim die, and how they pressed their hands together with the glass between them, and how Spock had immediately beamed down to the planet to kill Khan in revenge. But Jim didn’t really like to think about the whole _dying_ thing. He tried to forget about it, but every once in a while when his crew didn’t know he was there, he’d hear them talking about it and how it _proved_ that him and Spock were in a secret relationship. He was pretty sure there were bets on when they’d get together, moderated by Scotty himself.

Jim tries to ignore it.

Distracted by this train of thought, Jim starts when he hears the door slide shut. He looks at Spock, who is standing a few feet in front of him with his hands clasped behind his back. He seems as if he doesn’t know where to start.

Jim decides to start for him. “Chess?”

“That would be most agreeable, captain,” says Spock.

Jim groans. “Spock, we’re not on the bridge. Please call me Jim. I’m not going to call you commander in here.” He walks over to his table and sits down, beginning to reset the chess board from their last game (where Jim had totally decimated Spock, which he would usually feel proud of, but Spock had seemed distant and upset about something, so he didn’t really count it as a win).

Jim has told Spock countless times to call him by his first name, but Spock continues to call him “captain” most of the time. By now, he was sure that Spock called him captain just to mess with him.

“Of course, Jim. My apologies.”

They played for a while, talking about topics such as their current star-mapping mission or new advancements in scientific fields. They did not broach the topic of Jim’s outburst on the bridge until about halfway through the game.

“Jim, I believe now would be a good time to talk about what transpired on the bridge earlier,” begins Spock.

Jim knew it would be coming eventually. “Yeah, I know.” He sighs and leans back in his chair, mentally preparing for whatever Spock is about to dish out.

“It seemed as if you were experiencing a sort of hallucination. You claimed that the alarms were sounding, when they were not; however, for reasons unknown to me, you seemed convinced that they were. Seeing and hearing things that are not actually present are textbook symptoms of a hallucination. As your first officer, I ask that you inform me of anything that may be affecting your well-being. It is prudent that whatever it is, we rectify it so that we can continue to run the ship smoothly,” states Spock, finishing a lot sooner than Jim had expected him to.

Jim takes a moment to decide how to respond. If he tried to brush it off as nothing, Spock would be able to tell that he was lying; he had an uncanny ability to do so, especially with Jim. If he told the truth, Spock would immediately relieve him of duty and force him to go to sick bay, where Bones would submit him to a million different tests and mother hen him all hours of the day. His safest bet was to play it off as not getting enough sleep and that he was stressed about the mission’s end in six months.

“Spock, really, it’s like I said on the bridge: I haven’t been sleeping very well recently. Truth be told, I’m getting kind of stressed about the end of the mission, you know? I accidentally fell asleep and dreamed that the alarms were going off, that’s all.” Jim hates lying to Spock, but he doesn’t want him to spend time worrying when he could be using his time more efficiently. Wow, Jim is really spending too much time around Spock if that’s his logic for not telling him the truth.

Spock raises his eyebrow and frowns. “I find that hard to believe. You cannot have had a reaction like that from a dream.”

“Oh, us silly humans get reactions from dreams all the time, mostly from nightmares.” To sell this, Jim knew that he’d have to sugarcoat it a little bit. “I actually still have nightmares about the warp core and Yorktown. I think about not being able to breathe, or of Khan killing our crew, or of falling into that giant fan.” Technically that isn’t a lie – Jim still has nightmares about those events.

Spock leans back in his chair and contemplates Jim’s words for a moment before speaking. “So, you were simply having a ‘nightmare’ about the ship being on red alert?”

Inwardly, Jim does a little happy-dance of relief. “Yep,” he confirms, popping the ‘p’.

“Jim, you must understand that I am only concerned for your well-being. As your first officer, and more importantly, your friend, I urge that you come to me if you are experiencing anything that may inhibit your command,” Spock advises him.

Jim waves his hand. “Yeah, Spock, I know. Don’t worry about little old me, okay? I’ll be fine.”

“Still, you must inform me of any—”

Jim stands up and grabs Spock’s arms, mindful to not touch his skin. “Spock! I know.” He begins to lead Spock towards his door. “And the same goes for you. Any issues you have, let me know. This was a nice talk, but like I said, I’m exhausted and I would like to get some sleep before our next shift.”

“That would be a good use of your time,” confirms Spock. “I will be on my way, then.” With that, he opens Jim’s door and exits his quarters.

After his door closes, Jim slumps against the wall and slides down to the floor. _Thank fuck he didn’t suspect anything._ He stays on the floor for a few moments before pushing himself up and getting into bed. He might as well get some sleep while he has the chance.

Little does he know, Spock suspects that something is amiss with his captain.

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next month, Jim has minor hallucinations – about two per day. He builds up tolerance against them, only stiffening up a little when he realizes when one is occurring. They range from red alerts to blood dripping from the walls to everyone on the bridge collapsing without any notice. Once Jim convinces himself that they aren’t real, all he has to do is blink and everything is back to normal. He becomes so good at hiding what he is seeing from his crew that no one suspects that he is hallucinating.

He begins to lose weight, however. After two weeks, it becomes noticeable. One day on the bridge during beta shift, Uhura mentions it to him.

“Captain, have you lost weight? Or are you just looking a little peaky?” she asks.

Jim looks at her, confused, before he realizes that he hasn’t been eating a lot since his hallucinations started. “Uh, yeah, Bones put me on this new diet. I don’t think it’s doing anything except for making me lose a lot of weight, though.”

She laughs. “Leonard and his crazy diets! One day he’s going to try to make us all survive off of lettuce and hypos, saying that it’ll help our immune systems or whatever.”

Jim lets out a shaky laugh, glad that Uhura doesn’t seem to suspect anything. She’s one of the most observant members of the crew due to her skills in communications, but luckily for him, he’s done a good job of hiding his difficulties from her. Also, he’s not fully lying; Bones has given him a new “diet” of sleep meds because he thinks Jim isn’t getting enough sleep. Jim would give anything for that to be what was wrong with him instead of hallucinations that make him wonder if he’s finally going crazy from the Khan blood that was used to bring him back to life.

Jim doesn’t stop to think that Spock is able to read him like a book, however.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three days after Uhura asks Jim about his weight, Jim and Spock are having their weekly chess night in Jim’s quarters. They will usually play a game or two (or three), then converse over drinks – as in tea for Spock and coffee for Jim, because Spock doesn’t drink and Jim hasn’t been able to snag any alcohol from Chekov or Bones.

On this particular night, Jim is punching in the code on the replicator for Spock’s tea when he feels a certain chill down his spine. He’s come to realize that it happens right before he has one of his hallucinations, so he prepares himself for whatever his mind decides to torment him with tonight. He can’t let Spock see him slip up because he’ll try to take him off duty, and he’s only got five months left of the mission, dammit, he doesn’t need to be relieved from his duties.

The replicator dings to let Jim know that the tea is done. As he goes to take it out, he feels pain like he’s never felt before in his abdomen and squeezes his eyes shut, falling to the floor. He curls up on his side, wrapping his arms around himself. He hears someone yell, but he’s not sure who. All he knows is the immense pain he’s feeling.

As Jim’s mind acclimates to the pain, he realizes that his arms feel wet and sticky. He slowly, painfully opens his eyes and looks down to see that his entire midsection is covered in blood – so much that he can’t even see whatever wound it’s coming from.

Jim begins to panic and turns his head away, closing his eyes and trying to regulate his breathing. He can feel someone lightly touching his back, his shoulders, his arms.

It happened so fast that Jim can’t even remember _how_ it happened.

Wait, _he can’t remember how it happened_. The last thing he remembers is the replicator dinging to let him know that Spock’s tea was ready. He had been in his quarters. He’s still in his quarters. This isn’t real, this isn’t real, _this isn’t r—_

The pain suddenly stops, allowing Jim to re-open his eyes and roll onto his back. He sighs deeply, glad to be free of whatever had just happened. He turns his head and sees Spock’s face, the panic evident in his eyes. Spock’s hand is on Jim’s shoulder, lightly touching as if to reassure him. He is kneeling on the ground next to him.

They gaze at each other for a moment before Spock speaks. “Jim, what happened?” Jim has never heard his voice sound anything other than calm and collected, but it sounds shaky and concerned. He hesitantly sits up so that he can have this conversation with more dignity than he would have had on the floor.

“Spock, I—” Jim doesn’t even know where to start. Should he tell him the truth? That’s what he’s been trying to avoid, but he knows that he’ll have to tell him eventually. If these hallucinations get any worse, then Jim may endanger himself or the crew. “I’ve—I’ve been having… hallucinations?”

“Hallucinations?”

“Yeah, uh, they come and go. Once I convince myself they aren’t real, they kind of… stop. That one was really bad, though. I’m sorry you had to see that,” Jim answers. _This is so awkward and embarrassing._

“How long have they been occurring?” Spock queries.

Jim combs his hand through his hair. “Since the day before that incident on the bridge when I thought the alarms were going off.”

Spock looks visibly upset. “For an entire month? Why did you not come to me? I could have been searching for the cause of them this whole time. Doctor McCoy could have been helping as well. I am your first officer; your health is of the utmost importance to me.”

“Oh, but not as a friend? You’re only worried because I’m your captain?” Jim retorts angrily. “I knew you’d lecture me about this, Spock. I’m doing just fine on my own, thanks.” He then stands up, Spock following him in an instant. He tries to move away, but Spock places his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to stay in place.

“Jim, as your _friend_ , I am going to find a solution to this problem,” Spock states as he looks Jim in the eyes. “I will utilize every resource that I can to find out what is ailing you. I do not want you to suffer as you are for any longer. I am upset that you did not come to me sooner.”

Jim looks to the side. He can feel Spock’s distress as if it is his own. He knows that Spock will stay true to his words and work to find something to fix Jim, but he doesn’t want Spock to end up in a similar state. He doesn’t even know if that would be possible, but he doesn’t want to take any chances.

He looks back up at Spock. “No, Spock. I can’t let you do that. What if you get whatever I have?”

“Since I am Vulcan, I have a disciplined control of my mind. If that were to happen, I would be able to control any hallucinations better than you.”

Jim backs away from Spock, forcing him to drop his hands from his shoulders. “There are some things you won’t be able to control, Spock, and I feel like this is one of them.”

“Would you not do the same for me, if our positions were switched?”

God dammit, Spock had him there. “That’s not the point—”

“Excuse me for interrupting, but that is exactly the point. I am your friend and first officer, and I am going to help you because you would do the same for me,” Spock argues, leaving no room for Jim to debate.

He throws his hands up in the air. “Fine! Do what you want. But there’s two conditions: first, you can’t tell Bones about any of this.”

“As your chief medical officer—”

Jim cuts him off. “Spock, Bones can shove his status as my CMO up his ass. If he finds out about any of this, he’ll send me to hell himself for not telling him.” He pauses for Spock to agree, which he does with a slight nod of his head.

“Second: I’m going to stay on duty until I am physically incapable of doing my job.”

Spock looks like he’s about to argue, but surprisingly, he doesn’t. “I agree to your conditions.”

“Good. Now, I think it’s time we wrap up this chess night, huh?” Jim said. “It’s been a little exciting for the both of us, and I think we should get some rest before our shifts.”

“That would be logical,” Spock agrees. “Goodnight, Jim.” He goes to leave Jim’s quarters.

“Goodnight, Spock.”


	3. surrounding a white rabbit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> introducing sass-master spocko

Another month goes by.

Jim’s hallucinations have gotten much worse, to where he can’t control them. It takes him longer and longer to convince himself that what he’s experiencing isn’t real. Luckily for Jim (not really), the hallucinations seem to have a knack for happening in public spaces, like the bridge or the rec room, instead of in the privacy of his quarters. His crew begins to worry for his sanity and question his leadership, which is something that they haven’t ever done before. Even after he came back from the dead – which should have been classified, but apparently wasn’t – they didn’t question his ability to function as their captain.

He tries to put on his best façade and act like nothing is happening to him, but his crew sees right through it. Jim had tried to show them that he was alright during a landing party, but he knew that they didn’t trust him to not go crazy all of a sudden. He didn’t go on any other landing parties after that.

Bones keeps pestering Jim, trying to get him to say what was wrong, but Jim won’t relent. It would be better for Bones not to know. He tells him that he’s having waking nightmares, although he can tell Bones thinks that’s a load of shit.

Uhura remains strictly professional about the whole thing, although Jim knows that she worries about him constantly. She will only offer help to Jim when he asks for it, and he’s grateful for that. She doesn’t pry into other people’s personal affairs.

Sulu and Chekov both show concern for their captain and they ask him on multiple occasions if there is anything that they can do to help, but Jim always brushes them off. Even if there was something they could do, he wouldn’t ask them to help; it was too much to ask of them, as crewmates or as friends.

Scotty is nice enough to ignore the whole thing. He drinks with Jim every once in a while, like he always does. He doesn’t question when Jim comes down to Engineering to tinker with whatever he can get his hands on. He lets Jim work this out on his own, which he appreciates.

Well, not entirely on his own; there’s Spock.

Spock is really doing all the work. Jim continues to go out his daily routine as he always does (with interruptions from his hallucinations) and doesn’t try to figure out whatever is happening to him. He knows that Spock will figure it out eventually. He just hopes eventually is sooner rather than later.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim is sitting on his bed, reading reports on his PADD when the door to his quarters open. He looks up to see Spock enter the room. _Of course it’s Spock, who else could open his door?_

“Greetings, captain,” says Spock. “I hope that I am not disturbing anything.”

“Spock.”

“Sorry, _Jim,_ ” corrects Spock. Jim detects a hint of attitude.

He smiles nonetheless. “What can I do for you, Spock?” Jim places his PADD on the bed next to him and straightens up, patting a spot on the bed for Spock to sit down.

Spock sits in the proffered spot. “Actually, this about what I can do for you.” _Jim, not like that._ “I have found something that may lead us to a cure for whatever is ailing you.”

Jim’s eyes widen. “Really? What is it?”

“Do you remember that mission we went on before the star-mapping? Beta Phi IV?” Jim nods. “Since you were a part of the landing party, I believe that something on the planet is the cause of your hallucinations. I am unsure of what as of right now, but I have an idea as to how we can find it out.”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Beta Phi IV? That planet was boring, Spock. Just some weird cultists worshipping some gods. Didn’t seem like anything weird besides that was going on. Also, I didn’t eat or drink anything, so it’s not like someone could have done this to me.”

Spock squints his eyes a little. “You would not necessarily have to ingest anything to be affected in such a way. I have extensively researched anything that may have caused your hallucinations, and I have not found any other source that could have caused them. We know very little about Beta Phi IV, and there is an 86.53% chance that something on the planet is the cause.”

Jim thinks for a moment. It did make sense; he _had_ been a part of the landing party, and it _had_ been the last thing that had happened before his hallucinations had started. All they had done was land in the forest, grab some plant samples, and go. Before they had left the planet’s orbit, they had taken some scans and learned some information about the civilization that had lived there, but that was it. There was a very limited time frame for anything to have happened to Jim while they were down there.

But that didn’t mean that nothing could have happened.

In all of the things that Jim has done in the last five years, he’s learned that anything is possible in this weird, fucked-up universe that he happens to live in. And after he learned that there’s _other_ universes, he’s realized that if something isn’t possible in this universe, it’s possible in another.

“Okay,” Jim says, “if you think that this planet is the source of what’s happening to me, what are we gonna do about it? We can’t just take the whole ship there because then the admiralty will find out, and…” he trails off. He doesn’t want to think about what the admiralty might do.

“We’re not going to take the whole ship,” states Spock.

 _What?_ “How are we not going to take the ship?”

“We are going to take a two-week long shore leave in the next star system over, where we will then take a shuttlecraft to Beta Phi IV. We will have two weeks to figure out what is wrong with you and fix it.”

Jim stares at him doubtfully. “Spock, the both of us can’t take a two-week leave. We take it in shifts. A shift can’t last the whole time.”

Spock looks away from him. “We can if I say we can.”

He barks out a laugh. “What? Spock I’ve never known you to be a rebel,” he teases.

Spock looks back at him, irritated. “I am not going to be committing a rebellion, Jim. I cannot rebel against myself. Since I am the one who creates the schedule for shore leave, I can give anyone, including myself, as much leave as I would like.”

“I guess, but won’t that seem suspicious?”

Spock nods. “It may further the claims that we are in a romantic relationship by some of the crew, but I do not see that as more important than your mental health.”

 _Ugh, great._ “That’ll suck, but okay. I’ll put in the request for leave and send it to you, then.”

Spock looks uncomfortable. “I may have put the request for leave in already, Jim. It has been confirmed and we are set to arrive at the planet tomorrow.”

“Spock, you can’t send a request for leave in without my approval,” Jim says. “Wait… did you fake my signature?”

“I merely inferred that you would say yes to the request, so I sped up the time for it to be approved by the admiralty by copying your signature onto it,” Spock reveals, somewhat guiltily.

Jim flops back down on his bed, laughing. “Spock, this is why I love you, you know that? You’re my favorite first officer ever.”

Spock’s face is tinted green, but Jim is unable to see. “I had thought you would be upset.”

Jim smiles up at the ceiling. “Nah, I’m actually glad you did it. One step closer to solving this mystery, huh?”

“Indeed,” says Spock, looking down at Jim’s form next to him on the bed.

“So, tomorrow, yeah?” Jim confirms. “I’m a little afraid, to be honest. I don’t know what to expect.”

“Neither do I,” Spock confesses. “Not knowing what I am up against is a little daunting to me.”

Jim sighs. “I just try to think of what it might be like afterwards, you know? Not with just this particular thing, but with everything that we’ve gone up against where we’re not really sure what’s going to happen,” he pauses. “If we even get to an afterwards.”

“Jim, I ask that you not pursue that train of thought,” Spock says softly.

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I know. It’s just hard, especially since it’s affecting me so much.”

Spock nods. “I understand.”

There’s a moment’s pause before Jim speaks. “This is weird, but would you stay with me for tonight? I know you’re going to be stuck with me for maybe two weeks, but I think I’d sleep better if you stayed.”

He feels Spock’s hand against his knee. “It is not ‘weird’, Jim. I do not want you to be uncomfortable. This is perhaps the last calming night we may have in a while. I would be very happy to stay.”

Wow, he didn’t really expect Spock to say yes to that. He sits up (dislodging Spock’s hand from his knee, truly a tragedy) and swings his legs over the side of the bed. Jim stands up and offers Spock his hand, which is hesitantly taken. He pulls Spock so that he can stand up as well. “I guess we should get ready for bed, then.”

“Yes, that would be a good idea,” Spock agrees.

They both head to their shared bathroom, where they get ready to sleep. They are so comfortable with each other that they don’t speak, which is yet another thing the crew would speculate about, if they knew about it. _But it’s not something they should gossip about – we’re just friends._

Spock finishes first, naturally, so he goes to sit in Jim’s bed, finishing the last few reports that Jim had been reading on his PADD while Jim takes a shower. Once Jim is out of the shower and dressed, he heads over to the bed and lies down next to Spock, who places the PADD on the nightstand next to the bed and lies down as well.

“Lights, five percent,” commands Jim. After a moment, he adds, “Goodnight, Spock.” He is given a soft “Goodnight, Jim” in return.

Jim feels awkward. They’ve shared beds before, but tonight seems more intimate than others. They’re not even facing each other – they’re facing opposite sides of the room. Most of the time when they’ve had to share a bed, it had been during a mission and Jim had been too high on adrenaline to think about any connotations it might imply.

Sometimes, if Jim has nightmares, Spock will notice (Jim still wasn’t sure how) and come in his room to sit with him in his bed until he is calm again. Jim doesn’t know how he knows this because he never wakes up and the two never discuss it, but he is appreciative of it regardless.

The crew probably notices how often Spock is in Jim’s quarters, or vice versa, but Jim honestly couldn’t give a flying fuck about it. So what, they hung out all the time? So what, they spent the night in each other’s quarters all the time? Why did that have to imply that they were sleeping together? Why did they have to say all of these things that just furthered Jim’s feelings of loneliness?

Ugh, too many questions.

“Jim, you should quiet your mind,” Spock murmurs from next to him.

 _Oh shit._ “Sorry. Can you tell what I’m thinking about?”

He can feel Spock shake his head. “No, but in this close proximity I can tell when you are thinking too much.”

“Sorry,” apologizes Jim again. “I’ll try to stop.”

Spock hums in amusement. “I find that highly unlikely.”

“Hey!” Jim yelps indignantly. “Shut up.”

If Jim told anyone that Spock snorted at this moment in time, Spock would vehemently deny it. However, Spock _did_ in fact snort. “What an intelligent comeback.”

“You know what Spock, I don’t think I want to be stuck with you for two weeks.”

“I find that highly unlikely as well.”

Jim rolls his eyes. _Whoever decided that Vulcans weren’t sassy probably didn’t ever meet a Vulcan._ “Spock, I don’t like your attitude. I’m going to sleep now.”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

“Good night, sassy pants.” As soon as he says it, Jim can feel Spock’s amusement as bright as the winter sun in Iowa.


	4. who simply stares at me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i knew where this was going but it keeps taking turns in some weird-ass directions. stay tuned for more

The next day, Jim and Spock head down to the transporter room together. Jim really hopes that no one saw him and Spock leave his room together; he didn’t think about what it might imply until five minutes after it had happened.

Although, Jim realizes that he can use that to his advantage. Why not act as if him and Spock are taking a longer shore leave as a little romantic getaway of sorts? No one would question it, giving them a cover for what they were actually doing.

Jim tells himself that he doesn’t wish they were doing that instead.

Before they reach the transporter room, Jim quickly pulls Spock into an empty conference room and locks the door.

They turn to face each other. “What is it, Jim?”

“I… I think that we should use the rumor of us being in a relationship as a cover for what we’re actually doing,” Jim says hurriedly.

“May I inquire as to why?”

Jim shrugs as if it isn’t a big deal (spoiler alert: it totally is). “No one will question why we’re taking such a long leave.”

He waits a moment as Spock considers his plan. “It is a logical plan,” he eventually agrees. “Shall we continue to the transporter room now?”

“Yeah,” Jim says, “let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Good mornin’, gents! I’m beamin’ ye down to the planet right now, aye?” asks Scotty as they enter the transporter room.

Jim beams. “Yep.”

“Anythin’ particularly _fun_ planned for your leave, eh?” Scotty inquires, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Jim notices Spock ignore Scotty, deciding that looking at the far wall of the transporter room was a much more logical use of his time. “Oh, Mr. Scott. I don’t know, we’ve got some plans that could be considered fun, don’t we, Spock?” Jim replies, nudging Spock with his elbow to get his attention.

“I would not consider our plans to be fun, captain,” states Spock. _No, that wasn’t the right thing to say! Way to be suspicious, Spock._ If they were going to use their “relationship” as a cover or their two-week leave, they needed to sell it.  

Scotty raises his eyebrows. “Trouble in paradise, you two?”

Jim waves his hand. “Everything’s fine, Spock just thinks that my plans to watch 21st century reality TV during our leave is boring,” he covers quickly.

Spock seems to get the message. “Jim’s idea of ‘fun’ is not the same as mine, but I am sure that we will find some mutually beneficial activities to engage in.”

_Laying it on thick, aren’t we? Jesus, Spock._

Scotty lets out a bark of laughter. “Aye, I’m sure you will,” he agrees. “Now, let’s get you two down to that planet!”

Jim leads Spock onto the transporter pad and once they are settled, winks at Scotty. “Energize.”

Scotty immediately goes to cash in on all of his bets on those two.

  

* * *

 

 

Once they materialize on the jungle-like planet, Jim glares at Spock. “Spock, you almost blew our cover!”

Spock raises _the_ eyebrow. “I apologize, Jim. I only attempted to tell the truth in such a way that Mr. Scott could interpret how he sees fit. I may have miscalculated how he would judge my statements.”

Jim mentally slaps his forehead. How he dealt with Spock sometimes, he didn’t know. He then throws up his hands. “If we get caught, I’m blaming you. Got it?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim starts to head off in one direction before he realizes that he has absolutely no idea where they are supposed to go. He pauses. “You should probably lead since I have no fucking idea what we’re doing right now.”

Spock nods and begins to head in the opposite direction Jim had been heading. _Of course._

After walking for a few minutes on a very faint dirt trail, Jim’s communicator chirps. Spock doesn’t stop walking at the interruption, so Jim is forced to walk and talk.

“Hello?”

Bones’ voice comes over the speaker. “Hey, Jim, you on planet yet?”

“Uh, yeah, Spock and I just beamed down.”

“Do you want to join me, Uhura, and Sulu for dinner tonight at the fancy hotel we’re staying at? They’ve got real food, and more importantly, _real alcohol_.” Jim can hear the excitement in his friend’s voice.

He feels bad for not telling Bones the truth of where they’re going, but he can’t. Not yet. “I’d love to, but Spock and I have plans. I don’t think we’ll be able to join you for shore leave at all, really. I’m sorry.”

Bones huffs over the communicator. “I can’t believe you and the hobgoblin are going to be stuck together for two weeks.” Jim can imagine him shaking his head on the other end. “But I guess it’s heaven for you, since you’re in love with him and all.”

“Bones!” Jim admonishes him, bringing his voice to a whisper and slowing to walk a few feet behind Spock. He really hopes that Spock didn’t hear that. Luckily the jungle around them is full of sounds of weird alien animals that Spock would hopefully be focusing on instead of him. “Maybe I am, okay? Just let me have these two weeks of freedom, Jesus.”

“Sorry, Jim. I’m just going to miss not seeing your sorry ass for two weeks. Who am I going to drink with?”

Jim laughs. “Oh, I’ve heard Chekov can drink anyone under the table. I bet he’s a great drinking buddy,” he offered.

“I guess,” Bones agrees reluctantly. “Be careful, okay? We’ve only got four months left on this mission, don’t go getting sick or lost or killed on me, you hear?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim rolls his eyes. “I promise.” He winces visibly because he hates lying to Bones; he really does.

“See you in two weeks, kid. Comm me when you can,” says Bones.

“See you in two weeks,” replies Jim. He shuts the comm and puts it back in his pocket while speeding up to catch up to Spock. He goes to walk to the right of him.

“How much longer?” he asks.

“Jim, we have been walking for 13.6 minutes,” Spock replies steadily.

Jim sighs. “Ugh, I just want to get this over with.”

“As do I. I estimate that it will be another 11.8 minutes until we reach our destination.”

“And what’s there?” Jim inquires.

Spock skirts around a rock. “Our shuttlecraft that will take us to Beta Phi IV. It is already packed with supplies and ready for our journey.”

“Nah, Spock. It’s a quest,” corrects Jim. He looks to his left to see Spock furrow his eyebrows.

“A quest?”

“Yeah, you know, like in _Lord of the Rings_ or something? We’re traveling somewhere to achieve something – which is a quest. A journey is more about the traveling and not the destination itself, you know?” explains Jim.

Spock sighs (although he would not admit to doing so). “I did not realize the difference between the two was so important. I have seen them used interchangeably.”

Jim huffs in exasperation. “Well everyone you’ve seen do that is wrong, Spock. We’re going on a quest!” He suddenly has an idea. “A quest to destroy the ring!”

“The ring, Jim?” asks Spock. “From _The Lord of the Rings?_ ”

 _He’s so adorable when he’s confused._ “Yes! Like, let’s pretend my hallucinations are the ring okay? And Beta Phi IV – which is way too long of a name, by the way, we should change it – is Mount Doom, which holds the lava that we can use to destroy the ring. The lava in this situation is whatever we can use to cure me. Sauron is whoever or whatever did this to me.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. “I’m Frodo, obviously, but I’m not sure who you are? Gandalf maybe? But Frodo isn’t—” Jim cuts himself off before he finishes that sentence. _But Frodo isn’t what, Jim? In love with Gandalf?  You aren’t in love with Gandalf… or are you?_

“Frodo isn’t what, Jim?”

“Best friends with Gandalf,” Jim says, saving himself. “Like, his best friend is Sam, so you could be him but really smart. I mean, Sam’s not dumb, but he isn’t as smart as you are.”

Spock’s mouth turns up at the corners a little. Jim knows that it amuses Spock when he rambles too much, although he’d never admit it. “What about the rest of the crew?” Spock prompts.

Jim thinks for a moment. “Sulu and Chekov could be Merry and Pippin, since they’re basically inseparable. Uhura is definitely Aragorn because she’s hot and can kick ass. Scotty could be Gimli because they’re both Scottish, short, and rude. Bones could be Boromir because they’re both really caring and family men. I guess Chapel could be Legolas because she’d totally rock the elf hair—” Jim stops suddenly as he realizes Spock stopped walking a few seconds ago because they have reached a small clearing.

“We are here,” states Spock. He pulls a small device out of his pocket and presses a button, which decloaks the shuttlecraft. He goes to open the door and motions for Jim to enter.

Jim steps up into the shuttlecraft and goes to sit in the pilot’s seat. Spock follows him in and pauses behind he co-pilot’s chair. Jim turns around and looks up at him with a grin. Spock has an emotion on his face that Jim can’t quite place. “Something wrong, Spock?”

Spock opens his mouth and closes it once before speaking. “I—no, Jim,” he reassures him before sitting in the co-pilot’s seat.

Jim begins to prepare for takeoff. “Ready, commander?”

“Always, captain,” replies Spock.

  

* * *

 

 

It takes four hours to get to Beta Phi IV via shuttlecraft ( _or 4.21, as Spock would say_ ).

One hour into their flight, the telltale signal of a hallucination beings to creep up Jim’s spine. He closes his eyes for a moment. _Not now._

He swallows and turns to Spock. “Hey, uh. We’ve got a slight problem.”

“You are about to have a hallucination,” says Spock.

Jim is taken aback. “How’d you figure that out?” he asks.

Spock glances at him before returning his gaze to the shuttlecraft’s viewscreen. “I have noticed you shiver slightly and your pupils dilate immediately before you experience one,” he explains. “I also like to think I can read you rather well,” he adds.

“I guess that’ll probably come in handy,” Jim says with a sigh. “I can’t really fly this thing if it’s a bad one, you know.”

If Spock were fully human, he’d have rolled his eyes so far back into his head they would have been lost forever. However, since he is not, he does not do so. “I did expect that, Jim,” he says exasperatedly. “There is a bed at the back of the craft you can lie in while it occurs. While hope is illogical, I hope that this is not a bad one,” Spock tells him softly.

Jim gets up from the chair. “Thanks, Spock. I appreciate that,” he says as he pats Spock on the shoulder. He walks to the back of the shuttlecraft, feeling the sense of dread that signals the beginning of a hallucination right as he lies down on the bed.

Jim turns to face the wall, since he supposes that it can’t be that bad if he has a limited point of view.

_Jim!_

He starts. That sounded like it had come from behind him. It had sounded like…

_Jimmy, get out of that bed, you lazy piece of shit! I’m not doing any of this housework for you, I didn’t sign up for that!_

Frank.

If he didn’t turn around, then he wouldn’t see him. It would pass. It would be fine. Jim repeats this to himself a few times to try and calm himself.

That’s until he feels a hand harshly grip his shoulder and turn him around, forcing him to face Frank – except it’s not Frank any more.

It’s Khan, except his eyes are flaming red and he has a devilish smile upon his face. His clothes are covered in blood – Jim’s blood, although he doesn’t know how it got there or how he knows that it belongs to him.

“Hello, captain. Long time no see, hmm?” Khan inquires evilly. Jim doesn’t reply, just stares at him. “Oh, so it’s going to be like that, is it?”

Jim watches as Khan reaches down to his belt, where he grabs a long knife that Jim hadn’t noticed before. Khan flips it around in his hands a few times, before he smiles wickedly at him. All of a sudden, he’s tied to the bed by his hands and feet, unable to move.

“I killed you once, you know. I wasn’t even there, and maybe that was my mistake. I should have been there, to carve you up and make sure that your precious doctor couldn’t bring you back,” Khan says coolly, lightly tracing over his shirt with the tip of the knife. “Now I’m here, and I’ll make sure you stay dead this time.”

Khan plunges the knife into Jim’s abdomen – where he knew it would not kill him, just make him _want to die, oh god it hurts so much._ Khan violently rips up towards his ribcage, and then pulls it out. Jim can feel the blood flow out of the wound.

“Starfleet took everything from me, and now I’m going to take their precious captain from them!” Khan exclaims, raising the knife to wound Jim again.

Jim closes his eyes and waits for the sharp pain to come, tears trickling out of the corners of his eyes. But it never comes.

He cautiously opens his eyes. Khan is no longer next to his bed and he is no longer tied to it. However, he is still bleeding profusely and in an extreme amount of pain. He looks towards the front of the shuttlecraft, where he can’t see Spock at the console.

“Spock?” No answer.

“Spock?” he repeats, louder this time.

“Spock!” Jim yells, holding his hand to his wound and painfully getting up from the bed. He rushes as quickly as he can to the front of the craft, and trips over something.

Spock.

Jim falls to his knees, his pain no longer important. “Spock!” he yells, shaking Spock’s shoulders. He is lying on his back, covered in his own blood. His eyes are staring sightlessly at the ceiling.

Jim begins to panic. And, with his luck, the craft’s alarm system begins to blare.

“Environmental controls offline,” the craft informs him. _Thanks._

Instead of doing anything to fix whatever has suddenly happened to the ship, Jim just stares blankly down at Spock. How could this have happened? Only a few minutes ago Spock was flying the ship while Jim was steeling himself for the hallucin—

Ugh, he’s hallucinating.

Jim blinks and is lying on his back on the bed with his eyes trained on the ceiling.

“Spock?” he calls out hesitantly.

“Yes, Jim?” he hears from the front of the craft.

Jim sighs in relief. _Thank whatever gods are out there._ “Nothing, just letting you know I’m good.”

“I am relieved to hear that.”

“How much longer until we reach the planet?” he asks.

“We will reach Beta Phi IV in 2.97 hours,” replies Spock. That hallucination had only lasted about half an hour? It had felt like _years._

“You know what, Spock?” Jim calls. “I’m gonna call the planet Mordor, okay? You should too.”

There is a pause before Spock replies. “That is the name of the region the volcano in _Lord of the Rings_ resides in.”

“Yeah, I feel like it’s appropriate,” Jim explains.

He sees Spock nod in his mind’s eye. “I agree. We can call it Mordor, for now.”

 

* * *

 

  

Over the next 2.97 hours, Jim has two more hallucinations, both increasingly worse than the last. Spock has to focus on flying the shuttlecraft because its autopilot is unreliable, so he is unable to help Jim through them.

After Jim finally pulls himself out of the third one (which had featured him drowning in the oceans of Tarsus IV while trying to escape Kodos’ minions and it has felt so _real_ that it had been nearly impossible for him to convince himself it wasn’t), Spock informs him that they will reach Mordor in 12 minutes. He heaves himself out of the bed and slowly makes his way to the console, still feeling as if his lungs are filled with water.

As he sits down, Spock spares a look at him. Before he can ask how Jim is feeling, Jim answers. “I’m as well as I can be, Spock. I’m alive, at least.”

Spock blinks slowly and returns his gaze to in front of him. “I know. I feel oddly compelled to ask how you are doing, however.”

Jim smiles a little. “I appreciate that, Spock, but I don’t think I’m going to be okay until we figure this out. _If_ we figure this out.”

“We will, Jim,” Spock states firmly.

“I don’t know, Spock. We have barely any leads or anything,” Jim argues.

One of Spock’s hands come to lay on Jim’s thigh. Jim tries to not let his brain short-circuit. “I thought you did not believe in no-win scenarios,” Spock speculates, but he sounds far away.

Spock is absent-mindedly rubbing circles into his thigh with his thumb. It feels nice. Jim doesn’t connect Spock’s words with the expectation of him replying because Spock’s hand is really the only important thing in the universe right now.

“Jim?”

Jim starts. “Oh, uh. Well… I try not to, but I’m always worried something is going to prove me wrong. This might prove me wrong,” he answers. _Way to go, idiot._

“I endeavor to make sure it does not,” Spock says adamantly. “Now, if you would like to assist me, it is time to enter the planet’s atmosphere.”

He removes his hand from Jim’s thigh and it feels as if he’s lost the universe.

 

* * *

 

  

Mordor isn’t like the actual Mordor – no volcanoes or fire or orcs – instead, it’s a rather snowy planet, with trees similar to pines covering it. Spock informs him that the word for them is “pynara”, which sounds way cooler than “pine”. _Way to go for picking a boring name, humanity._

They land in a clearing similar to the one they left, a few miles away from Mordor’s main city, which is called Arktos. Jim and Spock grab their belongings and begin the trek.

Spock had told Jim that the inhabitants of the planet were very similar to humans, so they would have no problem fitting in. Since they have to wear warm clothing because of the cold temperatures, they are able to bundle up and hide their appearances enough to not arouse suspicion.

Spock is currently wearing a beanie to cover his pointed ears and Jim is going to die.

They are both silent during the half hour walk, giving Jim time to think about his feelings for Spock. He had previously tried to ignore how he felt, but Jim knows himself – he’s really fucking in love with his first officer. It’s gross. He never thought that he’d end up in a situation like this, where he’s the captain of the flagship of Starfleet, on a freezing planet with his first officer (who he’s hopelessly in love with) trying to find a cure for hallucinations he’s been having because it _might_ hold the answers.

Jim doesn’t think Spock loves him back. The rumors spread by the crew only started because they saw how Jim looked at Spock like a lovesick puppy, not because Spock returns his feelings. He had seen how Spock had been with Uhura, how he had looked at her; he doesn’t look at Jim like that.

This wouldn’t suck so much if Jim didn’t have this horrible feeling of loneliness following him around like a storm cloud all the time. The loneliness keeps reminding him that he can’t have Spock, or anyone probably, so he’s going to be alone forever and probably die alone. _Thanks, loneliness. That really helps._

Spock is only helping him with this because he’s obligated to as his first officer and his friend. He wants to finish the five-year mission with his captain intact; God knows how Spock’s managed to get Jim this far. Jim will have to settle for being Spock’s friend, _only_ his friend. It will be hard, but having Spock as a friend is better than not having him at all.

A voice in the back of his mind tells him that he should tell Spock how he feels. How is he supposed to know for sure how Spock feels if he doesn’t ask? But Jim’s a coward, so that little voice can shut the fuck up and leave him alone. He’s never going to tell Spock, even if his life depends on it.


	5. as electric visible energy

Jim and Spock finally reach the city after their agonizingly long walk (which _was not actually that long, Jim, it was only 30.17 minutes_ according to Spock, but god it was long after the day Jim’s been having). If Jim wasn’t currently panicking over his dumb hallucinations and whatever the hell was in store for him on this planet, he would take time to appreciate the beauty of it.

The city, Deora, is huge – probably as big as Chicago back on Earth. It looks very similar to big cities on Earth, with tall, sleek buildings connected by roads. The buildings themselves are made of some sort of whitish glass that reflects rainbows in the sunlight. The roads are made of a smooth, matte black stone; there are no obvious sidewalks. There are pynara trees everywhere, probably to shield the inhabitants from snowfall and the harsh sunlight.

In the middle of the city, there is a huge, pyramid-shaped building that can only be a temple to the gods that the Arktosians worship. It looks to be made of the same glass the buildings are made of. It is easily the tallest structure in Deora, likely more than 1,000 feet tall.

Even Spock would agree that the city is one of the most beautiful things the two of them have ever seen.

Spock leads Jim through the city for about ten minutes before stopping in front of a three-story building that looks like it could be a hotel. They enter and Jim waits near the front door while Spock secures a room from the individual at the front desk. Luckily their universal translator works here.

He takes a moment to observe the Arktosians around him. They do look very similar to humans; perhaps a little shorter, but not so short that Jim and Spock will look out of place. Jim does notice that they have very unnatural hair colors – light blue, bubblegum pink, fiery red – but decides that it isn’t something too important. Having blond or black hair probably isn’t suspicious, just uncommon.

Spock returns to Jim and they go to their room, which is on the third and topmost floor. Jim notices that it is a _room_ , singular. It makes sense, though; they shouldn’t be alone on a strange planet that they don’t really know much about. It’s not for any other reason.

Their room is of a decent size, not too big or too small. It contains one queen-sized bed that looks to be made of the needles from the pynara trees. _Hopefully it’s soft,_ Jim thinks to himself. There are two nightstands next to the bed, although Jim wouldn’t really consider them nightstands because they hang from the ceiling instead of sitting on the floor. The rest of the furniture seems to be like that – flat wooden boards hanging from the ceiling. The table, the nightstands, and the dresser are all situated in this fashion. The bed and the two chairs next to the table are the only pieces of furniture that are relatively similar to Terran furniture.

Jim sets down his bag and goes to sit on the bed. _Wait,_ bed. Singular bed. One bed. A bed for him and Spock. To share.

He looks up at Spock, who is observing the room from his position by the door. “Hey, Spock?” he says hesitantly.

Spock looks towards him. “Yes, Jim?”

“Uh, I notice that there’s only one bed,” he states, albeit a little awkwardly.

Spock nods. Luckily for him it is a little dark in the room, or else Jim would be able to see him flush green. “I thought that since we implied that we would be taking a ‘romantic’ vacation during our shore leave, we could technically not lie to them by acting as a couple during our stay on Arktos,” he explains quickly. “I observed on our way here that homosexual relationships are not looked down upon, so…” he trails off. _Spock rarely ever trails off, wow. He must be pretty embarrassed._

Jim smiles up at him.  “I should have expected you to find a way to ‘technically not lie’ to everyone,” he assures Spock. “I decided to push this on you in the first place, so it’s fine.”

He watches as Spock places his bag on the floor next to Jim’s and goes to sit on one of the chairs, pulling out his PADD. There is a moment’s pause before he speaks.

“Tomorrow, it would be prudent if we went to the temple in the middle of the city,” Spock begins. “The Arktosians’ worship of their gods is the only unique thing about them that I can find. They also seem to be in a constant state of drug usage, although I cannot figure out what drugs they take. I believe it is related to these gods. I suspect that these ‘gods’ may not be gods at all.”

“What else could they be?” Jim asks.

Spock shakes his head. “I do not know, however I feel that we will find out eventually. The temple is likely to hold the answers.”

Jim nods. “It’s as good of a place to start as any, I guess. We probably want to get up early tomorrow, so I’m gonna get ready for bed.”

“Agreed,” says Spock. “You may get ready first, if you would like.”

“Thanks.” Jim stands and grabs his bag, walking to the attached bathroom. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, taking a moment to catalog the situation he is currently in.

  1. He is on a planet an entire star system away from the _Enterprise_ and her crew.
  2. The crew thinks that him and Spock are on a romantic vacation.
  3. The Arktosians are constantly high and it seems like their culture really focuses on worshiping their gods.
  4. He could have another fucking hallucination at any moment, incapacitating him until he can bring himself out of it.
  5. He’s sharing a hotel room with Spock.
  6. He’s _sharing a bed_ with Spock, probably.



Jim stops there before the list can get too long and/or go somewhere he doesn’t want to go. There’s just too much going on.

He goes through his before-bed routine and changes into dark gray sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt, happy that the Arktosians are very similar to humans and have similar bathrooms.

Jim exits the bathroom and grabs his PADD, going to sit on the bed while Spock goes through his nightly routine as well. The bed is surprisingly soft for being made out of pine needles. They’re woven together to make a soft mattress and an even softer blanket. He opens a message from Bones, asking how his first day of leave has gone so far.

Well, Jim’s had three hallucinations and is on a freezing-ass planet with a bunch of human-like aliens and his first officer that he-totally-doesn’t-have-feelings-for-so-shut-up. Obviously he can’t tell Bones that, so he opts for “It’s been great so far, Spock and I are having soooo much fun ;)”, hoping that it will dissuade him from asking Jim too many questions.

As he sends the message to Bones, Spock comes out of the bathroom, wearing black sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Jim groans internally. He hates when Spock wears t-shirts because he just looks _so_ good in them, even though he isn’t trying to.

Spock approaches the bed and lifts the blanket, lying down and covering himself with it. Jim takes that as his cue to do the same. He first gets up to turn off the lights, then gets back in bed, lying down next to Spock.

It’s not like they haven’t shared a bed before; hell, they shared one last night. Jim really needs to stop feeling so awkward in situations like this.

Both turn towards the middle of the bed, facing one another. “Spock,” Jim starts, “what do you think is going to happen tomorrow?”

“I cannot even begin to know, Jim. I find myself hoping that whatever happens is beneficial to your health, however,” Spock responds.

Jim snorts. “You and me both.”

He watches as the corner of Spock’s mouth twitches up in one of his pseudo-smiles. They gaze at each other for a moment before Spock speaks. “I find myself oddly content in this moment, although I do not believe that I should be,” he confesses.

Jim places his hand between the two of them and smiles. “Why not? With all that’s gonna happen to us soon, you deserve to be happy for a moment,” he says. “I find myself ‘oddly content’ as well.” That’s a lie. Jim is fucking overly ecstatic to be this close to Spock and if he pretends that they’re on the _Enterprise_ in his cabin right now, then there isn’t a place in the universe he’d rather be.

“I suppose you are right,” Spock concedes. “I am… illogically worried, which is making me feel as if I should not be happy in a time like this.” Before Jim can reply, Spock places his hand on top of his, which is _totally not what he expected to happen, holy shit._ “You should sleep.”

Jim’s brain is kind of freaking out right now, so it takes him a moment to process Spock’s words. “I—yeah, okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

Jim wakes up early, just as the sun is coming up. He’s turned over in his sleep, facing the outer edge of the bed. He shifts, feeling a weight on top of him. It’s a nice weight, so Jim’s sleep-addled brain decides to ignore it. He sighs and tries to go back to sleep.

Until his logical brain beats back his sleep-addled brain and yells, “Jim, that’s Spock’s arm on top of you! Spock’s!”

Jim’s eyes fly open and he’s faced with reality. He’s literally being spooned by Spock right now, and _of course_ Spock’s the big spoon. It’s really comfortable though, and he considers whether he should pretend to be asleep so that he could enjoy it for a little longer.

Before he can decide what to do, Spock mumbles into Jim’s neck – which _holy shit dude_ – “Ashayam, please relax.” This doesn’t really help Jim at all; did Spock just call him a pet name or insult him? And oh god, Spock’s awake.

“Uh,” is all Jim is able to say at the moment. Spock, predictably, doesn’t say anything, just readjusts his grip on Jim’s torso and continues to lie there.

Jim just kind of lies there stiffly for a few minutes, unable to relax. If he does, he might have to face some realities he’s really been trying hard not to. Eventually, Spock sighs.

“You know, Jim, this is meant to be comfortable for both parties, but it seems as if you are attempting to make us both uncomfortable.”

Jim is screaming internally. “I’m not doing it on purpose, Spock! This is just, I don’t know, really unexpected of you,” he manages to get out.

Spock removes his arm from Jim and gracefully gets out of bed. “I believed it to be ‘unexpected’ of me as well, until I awoke to find us in that position. I decided to ‘roll with it’ as you would say,” he replies.

It’s a good thing that Spock can’t see what’s going on in Jim’s head right now because he’s actually dying. He sits up in the bed and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Ugh, I’m sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.”

“I am not offended,” says Spock, who is totally offended. He grabs his bag and enters the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Jim dramatically flops back down on the bed. _I fucking hate myself._

 

* * *

 

 

They reach the temple before noon. It’s pretty packed, but that’s understandable considering how god-obsessed the Arktosians are. The inside is very beautiful; it’s made of white marble and the walls are covered in various paintings of the gods. Jim and Spock mill around with the other visitors, observing the artwork with curiosity.

They are currently in front of a painting of five gods standing on a mountaintop above Deora, looking powerful and monarch-like. The plaque underneath it describing the scene is written in Arktosian, so neither of them can read it.

“Man, I wish Uhura were here right now,” remarks Jim.

“Her expertise in language would be highly appreciated,” agrees Spock.

They stand awkwardly for a moment, still a little tense from that morning. Before it can get _too_ awkward, a violet-haired Arktosian woman approaches them.

She nods at them. “I see you are observing ‘The Five’. What do you think?” she asks.

“They seem very daunting and commanding,” Spock observes. “No wonder they are revered as much as they are.”

The woman smiles. “That is very true. Powerful individuals are often revered by their people much more than those who seem weak,” she comments. “My name is Kasara. What are your names?”

“I’m Jim, and this is Spock,” answers Jim.

“May I ask why your hair is such an odd color?” she directs at both of them.

Jim had hoped the hair thing would be ignored, but of course it wasn’t. “Oh, uh. Hair dyeing gone wrong, you know?” he laughs, trying to alleviate any suspicion.

Kasara laughs in response. “Oh, I know how that goes,” she says. “I work here, by the way. Is there anything you would like to know?”

 “Would you be so kind as to give us a brief description of the gods?” requests Spock.

“Of course!” she exclaims. “So, as you know, there are five gods: Insunim for insanity, Kastadia for devotion, Ditosia for love, Tidor for dread, and Perfidi for treachery. Insunium is the leader of the five, holding them together with his leadership and unpredictability. They represent all of the things that are capable of destroying our species. We worship them because they are capable of ruling us despite embodying these qualities.”

“Why would these qualities destroy the species?” asks Jim.

“Well, insanity is bound to destroy an individual and those close to them because of its physical and psychological dangers. It can cause someone to see things that aren’t there, causing them to lash out at themselves or others. It can change their entire personality.” Jim and Spock exchange a look. “Devotion can destroy a species or group because if they are following one or more toxic individuals, then their loyalty would be the means of their ends. They could be forced to do things by those they are loyal to. Love can harm an individual, whether it causes them to sacrifice themselves or if those they love leave them, causing heartbreak.” _Hell yeah it can,_ thinks Jim. “Dread, or fear, can paralyze anyone, causing them to be susceptible to harm. Treachery by some individuals could be the cause of paranoia and can cause some individuals to harm or kill others.”

“Some of these qualities could also help a species,” comments Spock. “Especially love. It can bring individuals closer together instead of causing harm.”

“While that is true, everyone experiences love at some point that causes them pain. Harmful love is much more powerful and destructive than what we consider ‘normal’ love,” Kasara replies.

“I’d say that insanity is the worst, though,” Jim interjects, making eye contact with Spock. “It’s the least controllable and the most destructive.”

“Perhaps that’s why Insunium is the leader of the Five,” Spock remarks. “The others may be unable to control him, meaning that his leadership is only logical.”

“That is exactly why he leads them,” Kasara confirms. “He is very volatile, yet an effective and powerful leader.” _Insunium sounds like he could be the cause of my hallcinations,_ Jim observes. It looks like Spock thinks so, as well.

“Thank you for your explanation,” Spock says. “I observed that there are private worship chambers here. May we be allowed to use one?”

She nods. “You are free to use whichever you like, for as long as you like. I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit and that it is very educational,” she says, giving them a wave before going to speak with other visitors.

Jim and Spock walk towards one of the worship chambers, heads close together. “You think Insunium is a lead, right?” Jim asks quietly, even though he already knows Spock will say yes.

“It makes sense that he could have power to cause your hallucinations, if he is indeed real,” Spock confirms. They reach a chamber and enter, closing the door behind them.

It is about the same size as their hotel room. All that it contains is a life-sized statue of the five gods, Insunium in the middle with the other four on either side of him. Jim assumes that those who come to worship kneel in front of the statue and pray to it.

Jim and Spock both approach the statue, observing it. Each god’s face holds an expression similar to what they are intended to represent; Insunium looks, well, insane, while Kastadia looks to him with a look of devotion on her face, Ditosia looks off into the distance with an expression of love, Tidor has a look of utter fear on his face, and Perfidi looks off to the side as if she is plotting to betray the other four.

They stand in silence for a moment, each thinking about how they could use the information they have to figure out how to go ahead from here. But, of course this would be the perfect time for Jim to get a hallucination, so the telltale shiver down his spine isn’t really a surprise.

“Spock,” Jim warns. “I—”

The hallucinations hits him faster than he had been expecting. The building shakes violently, causing Jim to fall to his knees. Cracks begin to form in the floor, the ceiling, the walls. Jim’s head spins, his vision blurry. However, he is able to see the statue of the Five fall apart and a tall, dark figure rise from the middle of it.

Pieces of stone begin to fall from the ceiling. Jim watches as a particularly large one hits Spock’s head, causing him to fall to the ground. He tries to shout, but finds that he can’t. Lightning seems to crackle around him, but that’s impossible because they’re inside.

A loud, booming voice begins to speak, making Jim jump in surprise. “How _dare_ you return to my planet, outworlder? It seems that my attempts to incapacitate you through visions has not been working. You are stronger than I had anticipated.”

Jim thinks the voice is coming from the figure from the statue. He wants to make some smartass remark about how strong he really is (which Bones would argue that him being a smartass is why so many people try to kill him all the time), but he still can’t speak.

“You will never defeat me! You are but a mere mortal who will be punished for poisoning my planet with your presence!” the voice threatens.

The room gives one last final shake and Jim looks up to see a large piece of the ceiling directly above him begin to fall. He panics and tries to move, but finds that he can’t. Before it hits him, his vision goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, i'm the worst. sorry for the cliffhanger :/


	6. cracks and curls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit shorter but i'm giving you two today so..... that's kind of an excuse i guess

Jim comes to in the bed in the hotel room. He is lying on his back, tucked under the covers. _Aww, did Spock tuck me in?_

Spock is sitting next to him on the bed, working on his PADD. Before he says anything, Spock seems to realize that he is awake. He sets the PADD on the nightstand and turns toward Jim, worry on his face.

“Hey,” Jim says dumbly.

Spock’s eyes soften around the edges. “Jim.”

“Did— did you carry me back here?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh,” Jim groans. Nothing like being carried around by your first officer because you were incapacitated by your own mind to make you look weak.

Spock places his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I actually got crushed by a bunch of rocks. So, great,” he jokes.

“Crushed by rocks? What did you see?”

Oh. Right. He still had to tell Spock what happened. “So,” Jim starts. “I saw the room shaking and stuff, there was lightning, and everything kinda started cracking and falling apart. Uh, you were hit by a big piece of the ceiling and passed out.” Jim pauses for a moment and takes a breath before continuing. “Then the statue broke apart and this guy came out of it but I couldn’t see what he looked like because my vision was all blurry. He said that he was punishing me for ‘poisoning his planet’ with my presence. Then the roof collapsed before it hit me I passed out. I think he’s going to make my hallucinations even worse, Spock.”

Spock removes his hand from Jim’s shoulder and leans back against the wall behind the bed, directing his gaze towards the opposite wall. Jim can basically see the gears moving in his head, processing what Jim just told him. He pushes himself up so that he is sitting as well.

“While we were at the temple,” Spock begins without looking at him, “I formulated a hypothesis that one of the gods had to be responsible for your hallucinations. I do not think that they are actually gods because gods are not real, but at least one of them, Insunium, is most definitely real. I believe that he is somehow controlling your mind, giving you these hallucinations as his ‘punishment’ for visiting the planet without his consent.”

“I… yeah, that makes sense,” Jim agrees. “But how are we supposed to find him?”

With some hesitation, Spock turns toward Jim and meets his eyes. “I would like to meld with you so that I can see what you did at the temple. I may be able to uncover some details that you were unable to notice at the time.”

Jim snorts. “Hell no, Spock. I’ve already got someone messing around in my head, I really don’t need you in there too.”

“Jim—”

Jim interrupts him. “ _No,_ Spock. All of my experiences with people in my head haven’t gone well. That time I melded with Old Spock was far from pleasant, and all of these hallucinations are making me feel like I’m going crazy,” he confesses. “I am _not_ letting you get into my head.”

“Fine,” Spock says suddently, stiffly getting out of the bed. He grabs his PADD and the key to the room.

“Hey, where the hell are you going?” Jim asks rudely.

“I need some time alone,” Spock states. He opens the door and swiftly exits the room, closing the door with a little more force than necessary.

 _What the hell?_ Spock usually didn’t just storm off; he’d stand his ground until he won whatever argument he was having. Jim knows the melding thing is really important to Vulcans and sure, it’s probably the fastest way that Spock can figure out where this Insunium is, but Jim just _can’t_ have anyone else in his head right now. It’s nothing against Spock, but he thinks that Spock took it personally anyways.

He can’t help that’s happening to him. Spock should be more understanding of that. It’s odd that Spock had lost his temper so quickly, too; he always kept a level head.

Jim suddenly feels extremely guilty when he realizes that Spock was so upset because of _him_ , he lost his temper so quickly because of _him._ He draws up his legs and hugs them, leaning his head on top of them and closing his eyes. He’d fucked up pretty bad. He shouldn’t have been so rude to Spock. He should have just let him meld with him so that they could get this over with faster.

“It’s a good thing he didn’t meld with you.”

Jim jumps at the sudden words and looks wildly around the room, seeing a dark figure in the corner. _Hey, I recognize that voice…_

“If he had, then he might have seen me,” it continues. It’s the same voice as he heard back in the temple. “You’re going to go crazy, Jim. You’ll never leave this planet alive.”

Jim starts to panic and squeezes his eyes shut. It’s right -- he’s going to die here, and so will Spock.

“I can’t wait until you die. You will never have this planet for the Federation. You’ll die here, all alone.”

After it’s silent for a few minutes, Jim cautiously opens his eyes and looks towards the corner. The figure is gone. Thankfully that hallucination hadn’t lasted long. He lets out a breath he doesn’t realize he’s holding.

Jim is so afraid that he doesn’t realize he hadn’t had the shiver down his spine before the figure appeared and he hadn’t needed to convince himself what was happening wasn’t real before it ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw follow me on tumblr at captainnewts!!! i'd love to talk to you guys <3


	7. around its simple shape,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i wrote another chapter so you actually get three today. oops

The next day, Jim and Spock head back to the temple. They’re mostly silent, only speaking when necessary. Spock still seems to be mad at Jim for not melding with him, and Jim is content to remain mad at Spock for being mad at him. Yes, he’s actually a captain of a starship and not a five-year-old.

They learn some things about the temple, like how old it is (3,065 years) or how many people visit it per year (about 1,500,000). None of it helps their search for Insunium, though. Spock eventually asks Jim if they could return to a private worship chamber. Jim knows this is because Spock wants him to have another hallucination in the hopes that Insunium will show himself again.

Jim hasn’t told him about last night yet, so he agrees.

 

* * *

 

  

In the chamber, Jim sits down in the middle of the floor and waits. If he’s going to have to suffer another assault of his mind, he’s going to be comfortable on the floor, dammit. Spock stands in the corner by the door, deep in thought.

They wait for about ten minutes before Jim gets the shiver. His resigned sigh alerts Spock of the impending hallucination.  

Jim suddenly feels Spock standing behind him. He looks up to see Spock pointing a knife towards him.

“Spock… what?” Jim asks cautiously. What is he doing?

“Stand up,” Spock commands him. Jim does as he’s told, slowly standing up to face him.

“Spock, what are you—” Jim tries to ask, but Spock lunges towards him with the knife. He instinctually dodges, getting as far away from Spock as the room will allow him.

“This is what you get for not allowing me to meld with you,” Spock hisses. “We are going to be stuck here forever if you do not allow me, so I have decided that killing you is my next best option. I will inform the crew you died in a horrible accident on shore leave, making me captain for the rest of the mission. You will become nothing but a memory.”

“Spock, what’s gotten into you?” Jim asks incredulously. They slowly circle around the room, Spock looking for a chance to attack him.

Instead of replying, Spock suddenly charges. Jim jumps out of the way, using his speed to overcome Spock’s superior Vulcan strength. He pushes Spock to the floor, forcing him to drop the knife. It slides across the floor to a spot a few feet away from them. Jim is using all that he can to hold Spock down.

In any other moment, this position would be incredibly hot. _Not now, Jim!_

Spock uses his lapse of concentration to push him off and scrabble towards the knife. Jim grabs one of Spock’s ankles, trying to drag him back, but it’s too late: he has the knife again.

Spock pulls his leg out of Jim’s grasp and swiftly stands up, reaching down and dragging Jim up by his neck. He pushes Jim towards the wall, holding him there by his neck. Spock leans in close to his ear and speaks, his low voice causing Jim to shudder. “I know, by the way. I do not reciprocate your disgusting human emotions.”

Spock places the knife directly above Jim’s heart. “Goodbye, cap—” he begins to say, but Jim doesn’t let him. He kicks Spock’s knees, causing him to crumble and drop the knife once more. Jim grabs it and runs towards the door to escape.

Unluckily for him, Spock quickly springs back up and tackles Jim, making them both fall to the floor. Jim quickly flips them over, forcing Spock from being above him to being underneath him. Before Spock can react, he plunges the knife into Spock’s side, right where his heart is.

Jim feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart as well.

“Spock, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jim says in horror, kneeling next to him.

Spock tries to speak, blood tricking out of his mouth. “This… is… your fault,” he manages to choke out.

“I know, oh god Spock, I know,” Jim says, tears beginning to form in his eyes. This _is_ his fault. All of it. They never should have visited Beta Phi IV in the first place. They’d be on the _Enterprise,_ happy, safe, and far away from this. He grabs Spock, holding him against his chest. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”

He feels the moment that Spock lets out his last breath, both literally and in his heart. He’s crying now, more than he can remember crying before. Jim can’t believe it. Spock can’t be dead, this can’t be real.

Jim feels as if a part of him has been torn away. He can’t imagine living like this. This isn’t real.

  

* * *

 

 

Jim wakes up in the hotel bed, hyperventilating. It takes him a moment to figure out where he is. He instinctively looks to his right, where Spock is meditating on the floor next to him.

Thank god. It had only been a dream. Or hallucination. Or both.

Whatever, it hadn’t been real. Spock is alive and that’s all the matters to Jim.

Jim lets out a huge sigh, flopping back down on the bed. He can feel tears forming in his eyes, but he tries to force them back down. That had been the worst one yet. He had _killed_ Spock, and even though it had been in self-defense, it didn’t make him feel any better. Hallucination-Spock had said everything that he’s been afraid of: they’d die here, it was all Jim’s fault, Spock didn’t love him back.

He closes his eyes and tries to get his breathing back to normal. As he does so, he feels a dip in the bed next to him. _Spock._

Spock doesn’t say anything, only gets under the covers and reaches over to wrap himself around Jim. Jim turns towards Spock, nestling his head in the crook of Spock’s neck. Spock places his hand in Jim’s hair and lightly begins to card through it.

They lie like that for a while. Jim isn’t sure how long it is, but he knows that it isn’t long enough. Forever wouldn’t even be long enough.

“Jim,” Spock says. It’s a question even though it isn’t phrased like one.

He lets out a shaky sigh. “Spock, I—I don’t know if I can do this,” he confesses. Spock doesn’t stop carding his hand through Jim’s hair, helping him calm down a little.

“What did you see this time, ashayam?” Spock asks. There’s that word again, although Jim is sure that it’s a pet name by now.

“I don’t really want to talk about it that much, okay? You said some things, tried to kill me, I had to kill you. Then I woke up. That’s it.”

Spock inhales sharply. Jim can basically feel his worry, guilt, and anger. “Jim, I am so sorry.”

“It wasn’t you, Spock. It’s fine,” Jim says into his neck.

“Not about that, Jim,” Spock corrects him, moving away from Jim. He whimpers at the loss of contact.

Spock sits up on the bed, urging Jim to sit up as well. They face each other, legs crossed. “There are some things I haven’t told you, Jim,” he begins.

Jim laughs, gaining a sudden feeling of confidence. “Oh, Spock, you have no idea what I haven’t told you. It can’t be as bad as whatever you haven’t told me.”

Spock looks affronted. “Jim, if I may—”

Jim interrupts him. “Nah, I’m gonna talk, and you’re gonna listen, okay?” Spock nods. “I’ve been so fucking scared that we’re going to die on this planet. Or that one of us will, and that that one of us will be you. I’ve been too afraid to do anything because I’m scared that you’ll die as a result, but watching myself kill you made me realize that I have to do _something._ I don’t want to die here,” he pauses, taking a quick breath before continuing. “I saw Insunium last night after you left. He told me that we’re going to die, but I’m not letting that happen. We’re going to do whatever it takes to fix me and get off this goddamn planet.”

He reaches over and takes Spock’s hands in his own. “Seeing you die also made me realize that I need to tell you how I feel, Spock. If you actually died, I couldn’t bear it if I never told you that I’m so fucking in love with you. Please say you love me, too.”

Spock stares at him, mouth falling open. He’s rendered Spock speechless, a feat few have ever achieved. It’s a few moments before he responds.

“Jim, I… what I was going to tell you is that I return your feelings.”

“Oh, _thank god._ That would have been so awkward,” Jim breathes in relief.

Spock does that little half-smile of his. “It definitely would have been. But that’s not all I have to tell you.”

“Oh?”

Spock looks a little uncomfortable. “After Yorktown, Nyota and I were going to pursue a formal bond.”

Jim’s face falls. “A bond?” Spock was going to say that while he loved him, he loved Uhura more, meaning that they couldn’t be together and—

“Jim, relax. That is not all,” Spock interrupts. “We were not able to finish the bond because I already had a bond with someone else. You.”

Jim is confused. “Me?”

“I believe that after you… after Khan, we accidentally formed a preliminary bond. It has been growing stronger and I believe that it is a t’hy’la bond – the strongest bond known to Vulcans. That is why Nyota and I separated; I had realized my feelings for you and she realized that we would not have been happy together. We are much better off as friends,” Spock explains.

“We’re bonded?” Jim asks ecstatically. This is the best news he’s gotten in months.

“It is not a full bond, Jim. However…” Spock trails off.

“However what?” prompts Jim.

“Most preliminary bonds are established into full bonds by a healer, but t’hy’la bonds can be fulfilled by intercourse,” Spock says hurriedly, seemingly embarrassed. His cheeks are flushed and he looks at a point to Jim’s left.

Jim grins. “Oh, well, in that case…” he leaps forward, pushing Spock onto his back. He hovers over him, looking into his eyes.

“Jim, should we not discuss this first?” Spock asks. “If we complete the bond, it will be forever.”

Jim rolls his eyes in exasperation. “Spock, what do I have to do to convince you how much I love you? Should I wax poetic about your eyes? Should I talk about your fantastic ass?” he asks flirtatiously, causing Spock to blush even more. “I want this to be forever; I love you.”

Spock looks up at him with utter adoration in his eyes. “As do I.”

Jim leans down to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i panicked bc i have no idea how to write smut, so i didn't. but hey!! we're halfway there (woah livin on a prayer)


	8. only to disappear in a flash of blue spots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this chapter is kinda short, it's just a nice peaceful moment before the imminent suffering

 

Jim wakes up slowly. He is extremely comfortable and warm, lying in bed with Spock spooning him. He decides that he is never going to get up.

“Jim, we are going to have to get up at some point,” Spock murmurs from behind him.

Jim reluctantly opens his eyes and looks at the wall across from him. “If I refuse to face reality, then I won’t have to.”

“You cannot do that forever, t’hy’la.”

Jim shifts, turning over so that he can face Spock. “Try and stop me,” he smiles, giving Spock’s nose a gentle poke. Spock wrinkles his nose, offended. He pulls Jim closer, moving so that he can lie his chin atop Jim’s head.

 _I can’t believe that we deprived ourselves of this for so long,_ Jim thinks.

 _For how intelligent we are supposed to be, we were very blind to the obvious,_ Spock says in his mind.

“Wait! Did you just… telepathically talk to me?” Jim asks, surprised. He looks upwards at Spock, forcing him to remove his chin from Jim’s head.

“Now that we are bonded, we are able to communicate without speaking over a certain distance. Right now, that distance is not very large since the bond is still new,” Spock explains.

“Oh, that’s right,” Jim says. “I almost forgot.”

Spock looks confused. “You… forgot? Is it not important to you?” Jim can feel him stiffen a little.

Jim realizes what he said. “No, it totally is! I’m sorry, Spock, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that it feels so right and comfortable that I forgot it was a new thing. I’m sorry,” he apologizes.

Spock visibly relaxes. “I apologize for overreacting,” he says, leaning down to give Jim a chaste kiss. Jim smiles against it, happy that they can have this moment between them with all that’s going on.

Spock breaks them apart. “Jim, there is something I must discuss with you,” he begins, moving to sit up.

Jim pushes himself to rest on his elbow, facing Spock. “What is it?” he prompts.

Spock turns towards him. “The day before yesterday, when we argued and I left, I went to research the history of Arktos to learn more about these five gods, particularly Insunium. I learned that a few millennia ago, two different races lived here. They had lived together peacefully for a long time, but eventually they went to war. I could not find the exact reason as to why, but it is likely it was over limited resources. One group was the Arktosians, while the other was the Lavosians. The war killed many and destroyed much of the planet. Neither would stop until the other was wholly destroyed. Eventually, the Arktosians had killed all of the Lavosians, except for five,” Spock says, pausing when Jim interrupts him.

“Five?” interjects Jim. “Are the Lavosians the gods?”

“They are not gods,” Spock corrects him. “From what I can gather, the Lavosians had what Terrans would incorrectly call ‘superpowers’, which are simply special abilities they are born with. But yes, they are the ‘gods’,” he confirms. “The Five that the Arktosians worship are the five survivors of the war.”

“Wait, Spock,” Jim interrupts again. “You said this war was a few millennia ago. How are they still alive?”

“We have observed that some species live extremely long lives; the Lavosians seem to be one of them,” Spock explains.

“Okay, but how did they win the war if there were only five of them?”

“Perfidi, the ‘god’ of treachery, was said to be a remarkable scientist. He created a drug that could be dispersed through the water supply that would allow them to completely control the Arktosians and make them forget the war, meaning that the Lavosians would win. As we can see, they were successful,” elaborates Spock.

“That’s _awful,_ Spock,” Jim replies, visibly distressed. “I can’t believe they decided that was okay.”

Spock reaches out and grabs one of Jim’s hands, placing it between both of his own in an effort to calm him. “It was likely their last resort. They did not want to lose, so they had to do something repulsive to save themselves.”

“Also, why are we not being controlled?”

“Most likely, the drug is only meant for Arktosians, meaning that it is unable to affect us,” Spock reassures him.

“Okay.” Jim begins to feel much calmer. “Hey, are you doing that?”

“I only wished to ease your distress,” responds Spock, somewhat guiltily.

“Oh, no, it feels really nice, Spock. Thank you,” assures Jim, rubbing his thumb against Spock’s wrist.

Spock gives his little half-smile. “I am glad, ashayam. You should not be in more pain than you already are.”

“Spock, you’re a huge sap, you know that?” Jim tells him.

“I have no idea what you are referring to.”

Jim moves to push Spock onto his back and crawls on top of him. _Yes, you do. You’re a giant sap._

 _Do not inform anyone of this,_ Spock responds. _Especially Doctor McCoy. He would not let me hear the end of it._

Jim smiles. “Don’t worry, I’d never tell him,” he says out loud. “He’d never shut up about it.”

Spock reaches down to pull the blanket over the two of them. “I wish to rescind my earlier statement. Remaining in bed forever does not seem like a bad idea.”

“I told you!” Jim says against Spock’s neck. “I’m so comfortable right now.”

“As am I,” agrees Spock.

They lie like that for a few moments and Jim begins to drift back to sleep before Jim has a sudden thought. He lifts his head and looks at Spock. “Hey, Spock.”

“What is it, Jim?” Spock inquires.

“How did you find all off this out? It’s not like the gods told you,” he asks. “Right?”

“No, I do not believe they would willingly submit that information. I simply… researched,” Spock replies hesitantly.

“Researched where, Spock?”

“I talked to an older Arktosian who I encountered protesting outside of the temple,” he reveals reluctantly.

Jim barks out a laugh. “Oh my god, Spock. Did you talk to a senile old man ranting to strangers?”

“He seemed to know what he was talking about,” Spock defends.

Jim reaches a hand up to cup Spock’s cheek. “Usually on Earth, we disregard those guys because they’re well, crazy. Do you think he’s worth believing?” he asks, still laughing.

“Yes.”

“Alright, we’ll go with it. It’s not like we have any other information and it kinda makes sense,” Jim says. “But I am totally telling Bones about this.”

“Jim, _no,_ ” Spock says, horrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ranting senile old man is inspired by the crazy old guy that rants about flat earth and moon landing conspiracy theories outside the library at my college. he's my fav


End file.
